I had such an intense dream.

It was one of those post-apocalypse dream worlds not unlike Book of Eli. The world was a dirty, dingy place full of unhappy nomads trying to find a place of peace. The worst part, there was no safe haven or sanctuary to ever be met for none existed forevermore. Everyone ran helter skelter thru the remains, scrambling to make ends meet, traveling from place to place scavenging and avoiding the patrols that passed for "the law nowadays" which actually terrorized its people. People were brown with dirt, wore rags, and men were unshaven and lousy with lice. It was such an immersive dream I woke up feeling discombobulated about where I was.

There was a reoccuring figure in the dream, a strong barrel-chested Native American warrior. The man was tall beyond compare and his brown chest was slick with sweat as his arms powerfully flexed and defeated his foes. He was vicious and violent in his attacks and he often came to my groups aid. He traveled in tandem with us, but never in our party, and I think that he was really always looking after me. He always arrived at the last moment to save our asses with his unconquerable fortitude. He was so powerful, his hair tied in long silken black braids, and a strong nose and chiseled face and hard, black eyes. He had a warrior's paint and when I awoke, I was struck by his visage in my dream and felt a terrible urgency to identify his significance. For about an hour or two, then I forgot until just now.

Dreammoods.com says;

Indian
To see an Indian in your dream represents the primitive and instinctual aspect of yourself. You need to be in more control of your waking-life situations and surroundings. You also need to be more self-reliant and exercise your personal power. Alternatively, this dream symbolizes honesty, dedication, and wisdom.

And that makes sense to me >___> My life is a mess and I'm only just now gaining the cajones to make a true evaluation of myself, but it ain't been easy. What are critical friends for, after all? Do you sense a little chagrin and reluctance? It's because he's been urging me to put aside the bullshit and really decide what I want for my life and I'm just so fucked up I am having trouble envisioning good things actually happening to me for once, i.e. getting out of my mother's house and thus from underneathe her thumb. I WANT MY APARTMENT, DAMMIT >=(

Life is a whirlwind of activity now.

And I am enjoying it tremendously. I have been doing very, very well at work as of late, or at least I was before the last 2 days. (I'll get to that in a bit. PROCEEDING THAT) I was nominated for Employee of the Month for April ^_^ It earned me a little recoginition, as silly as that all sounds. And I may be a geek for thinking so, but I was proud to be nominated. I was very glad someone thought well enough of me to notice that I was doing a good job. For indeed, I feel very well suited to my profession and have been commended for that. I am friendly, I smile a lot and flatter and flirt (if necessary ;):P) and make ppl glad to be visiting our hotel, and sometimes I directly influence their impression of Oklahoma if they're from out of state! I like being part of the hospitality industry tremendously, as I always knew I would. I feel so wonderful to be in the place I've always wished I could be.

Now only I must get a place of my own, change my overall general (slovenly & lazy) habits, and get up the cojones to stand up to my mother. In no particular order. But first I must secure a new vehicle with my tax refund money and then I can work towards getting the place. It's not practical for me to get the place instead of the car, as much I am loathe to accept it. How's a person supposed to get around otherwise? I get around a lot, you know. In fact, the latest thrilling chapter of my life has introduced a new character to the pages of my life. I am casually seeing an inspiring figure whom also works in the hotel industry, but not at mine. I'm finally having the illicit, star crossed love affair of front of house, back of house operations lol Just not at my own hotel. He works banquets at a place downtown and he's an older man who hails from Hawaii. He looks very Islander to me and I welcome the change he presents in my life in pretty much all facets. I greatly admire his work ethic, but it does keep him from me a lot of the time. He's married to his job basically and we've only been seeing each other a couple weeks now. (Two, three?) But I like him enough to mention him here so what does that say....

As for the previous 2 days that did not go according to the norm, that is because I was removed from my rightful position behind the front desk and moved to AYS, at your service. I do not like working AYS but alas, there was a trainee with no trainer to train them so my boss threw me in. The woman is a nice, well meaning person but her slowness and lack of proper business phone etiquette nearly drives me crazy. And since my attention has been split between the front desk and AYS, both my jobs suffer and I screw up more frequently. I guess I am partially to blame for that since I've developed the notion they cant survive without me lol (I feel like a carry a lot of the weight 'round there & I like it. The great ones always want the ball.)

The latest issue of TIME Magazine proclaims marriage equality “already won”,
regardless of the Supreme Court’s imminent rulings. “The Supreme Court hasn’t
made up its mind - but America has” reads the cover.

Hello, t'is I, Lacy

Life is going splendidly well as of late. I got a raise at my job and not only that, I became elligible for an upgraded bank account, I received a free $20 gift card to Sushi Neko, and I bought a new dress :D I have enough money to help a friend in need and although my car is giving me problems, I have a back up to drive :) Things at my work are fantabulous, of course. I very much enjoy all my coworkers (besides one, whom no one likes) and things are shaping up nicely. Our hotel recently came into new management right before I joined the team and they are working very hard to make our hotel a success. In fact, they brought in a task force for the front desk since fuckin' all our staff quit in like a two month period. I came on right before the front office manager, assistant manager, and bellman all quit. And sadness of all sadness, one of the girls I love to death recently had to cut down to 2 days of work a week, one of which is a day I always have off.

I moved back in with my mother and while she does drive me crazy, it's not the most terrible thing in the world. Sometimes it's just hard not to think so with my sanity dangling by a thread over here sometimes. I can't wait to move out. I have become very jealous of all my friends whom have found their very own corner of the world to call their own, their very own freakin' apartments. I desperately want one but I fear my non-existant education or these stupid car troubles are going to push everything drastically far back.... =[

Referenced Article: How to tell if you are financially ready to get your own (small) place

Questions to Consider~

Do you have good credit?

Do you have a job?
A job is pretty much necessary to show regular deposits and withdrawals from your accounts to show for your accountability. Note: Your monthly rent rate should be no more than 25 to 30 percent of your monthly gross income -- that's the amount you make before taxes -- as this is a widespread industry standard most landlords adhere to. That means that if you want to rent a $400 a month apartment, you should make roughly $1200 a month before taxes.

Do you have cash on hand?
You will need cash at the ready for the cash deposit/down payment on your space. Note: Most often your security deposit will be equal to one month's rent.

Is anyone willing to co-sign a lease with you?
A co-signer is a person who agrees to take legal and financial responsibility for paying your rent or reimbursing the landlord for apartment damages in the event you don't have the money to do so. Some first-time renters are asked to include a co-signer on their leases. This is more likely to be true if you don't have a good credit history or a long-term job history, or if you make slightly less money than a landlord would like to see.

Are you considering living with a roommate?
Although there are many advantages to living alone and many people prefer it, the best way to get into a nice apartment that you can truly afford is to rent one with a roommate. Your potential landlord's income requirements will be halved per person -- he'll view your income and your roommate's income as one sum -- and so will your rent and utility bills.

Have you investigated local rent rates and utility charges?
The sure-fire way to find out if you can realistically afford your first apartment is to investigate your local rental market. Once you've found this information, take the time to write out a monthly budget. Don't forget to include money for groceries, entertainment, gas, car payments and other bills. Compare your projected expenses with the amount of money you make in a typical month, and you'll have a realistic picture of whether or not you can really afford your first apartment.

The 411 On Me

This is my life as of now:

The central people in my life are my exes (yes everyone fuckin’ one of them) and my mother, and then I spend all my time at work nowadays. I am in love with my job just as I was when I last reported, but now everything in me is so twisted and tangled I feel no hope in trying to figure everything out.

I had to break up with Joshua against my will. It just wasn’t going to work out and though my head logically accepts this fact, the rest of me is crying out at the decision. I feel like my heart is held hostage.

Some people may think I broke up with Joshua to be with Hakim, and that would be completely wrong. I broke up with Josh because I knew he was not what I needed in the long run, that I would always be seeking for certain things from him and he would be unable to deliver. So it became one of those sad, inevitable things where you consider the question, “Why stay if I know I’ll have to leave? Stay longer, so it can be harder? No. I love him, but no, it cannot be.” So that hurts a lot because I wish he could be the right man for me.

Hakim is more so what I am looking for in regards to traits, but I do not feel compelled to be with him either because I know that in my past, I already deigned him unfit for me as well. Of course, that is not to say he is not an incredible man deserving of all happiness, it is just that I am not the one that can/will provide it for him. I don’t mind hanging around and being in each others lives in whatever fashion we see fit at this time, but I have that in the back of my mind all the time.

I’m not looking for anyone right now. I need desperately to be alone and regroup mu forces and build up my mental fortitude. At this time, I am so lost and confused and stressed and upset a lot of the time, I find it hard to bear simple tasks. I will admit, I’ve skipped class a little, because I just couldn’t handle the added pressure even though I knew it was stupid not to go. I just couldn’t.

*sigh*

If you find the right job, you’ll never work a day in your life.

It’s funny because that’s what I’ve been experiencing at my NEW job. Helllll yeah, Lacy’s got it goin’ on. I’m getting paid to do jack squat at the moment. It’s my 3rd day and I’m supposedly “in training” and by that they mean sitting in a small cubicle and reading a fat pamphlet that doesn’t have varely any information. Almost every page I turn instructs, “Ask your supervisor about _________” and my supervisor is nowhere to be found. She’s a busy bee, that one. She’s been at meetings or otherwise harried these past 3 days and I have received no formal training whatsoever as a byproduct. I’m slightly irked but at the same time, I know things will be different as they progress and there is no need to worry. I’ll get it, don’t you worry about me.

I felt very supported going into my first day on the job there. You see, I have wanted to work for hotels ever since I was 14 years old and my family all know and acknowledge this. I was not surprised when I got a barrage of texts from lots of people in the fam right before I was to start my shift :D It almost brought tears to my eyes and my mom and Grandpa are particularly proud of me. They know how much I used to want this and they’re happy for me. Heck, I’m happy for me. I walk into that building and I feel the way I have always felt when crossing the threshold of hospitable places- Like I am supposed to be here. It feels wonderful. I want to remember that 6 months down the road, I guess is why I’m blogging now lol :)